106.9 F.M. K.O.C.K. The Rooster. Home of the Kock Block.
You don't want to get Kock Blocked - or do you?
We've got Van Halen and Judas Priest Kock Blocks happening all day long.
We've got two guys coming in here and these fellas collect frozen entrees.
Whoa! You mean TV Dinners?
Yes! They collect frozen dinners of some sort. l don't know.
These guys are absolutely nuts! They're gonna be in here.
lt's gonna be great! All morning long - 106.9...
Stan and Dan in the morning on The Rooster K.O.C.K. The Kock!
(lntro song: ''Pink Dress'' by The Piersons)
That was a Kock Block on a Classic Kock Block Friday.
Coming in right now - two crazy fellas...
Now these guys are nutty. They collect frozen food entrees.
l gotta hear this.
Shawn and Vince -Welcome to the show gentlemen but before we do any talking...
...go ahead and put on your Kock Heads.
Nothing better on the radio than funny hats.
That's right my friends. Funny hats in the morning! Stan and Dan 106.9...
Put on the gobbler! Yeah! You got balls on your chin!
Whoa! Here comes another meeting with the boss!
Hey! They looked good on Styx and those guys blow!
So you guys collect frozen food entrees. That's very interesting.
WHY!? WHY!? FIRST QUESTION -WHY!?
Well we're frozen enthusiasts...
...and we collect frozen entrees.
How do you know when you're done!? HA HA HA!
That's funny.
Yeah, it's pretty good. Listen, when you guys collect...
...ls there any particular one that you collect?
What's the most expensive one?
Yeah, what's the Babe Ruth of frozen entrees?
Yeah,what's the most expensive?
What's your Sammy Sosa!?
Well, it's the...
l understand you guys have a club.
- lt's the... - Yeah, the Mesa Frozen Entree Enthusiast Club. We have...
What's the matter, the pussy catchers club was all filled up!?
Here we go! More memos!
Hey ladies, get the runoff over at the frozen food enthusiasts club.
Too long of a name for a club!
We have...
l understand you guys are having a convention.
We have a convention coming...
FELLAS! We're running out of time! We can check you out on the web at frozenfood.com l imagine.
lt's w.w.w. dot..
Fantastic!
Really enjoyed meeting you guys!
K.O.C.K. Stan and Dan in the morning.
Come back, we're going to make a prank phone call to jessica Hahn.
Collecting in general is like a tatoo...
...or potato chips. People become very gluttonous for things.
lt's coveting. You covet something.
You get the first one, then you go on to the second one and then the third one.
So, who knows? Maybe this could become a highly collectable thing.
l mean, stranger things have happened.
Collecting is no different than managing people, building a strong corporate team...
You have to have vision, you have to have discipline and you have to have resources.
l've got several original Scatters... a lot of money.
l have tons of Successories.
l read one or two a day. They really get me motivated.
l have literally every single one ever made.
Being a firefighter and a collector is quite symbiotic.
After a big fire,when we do what we call Salvage & Overhaul...
l'm able to root through quite a bit of rubble and find some treasures occasionally.
(filmmaker) lsn't it illegal to remove something from the scene of a fire?
Oh no! Well actually maybe. But we all do it.
Yeah, l've done it before.
People are just so thankful for what we do, they expect us to take a few things l guess.
lt's all insured anyway.
l have quite a collection of plates.
l have more plates than l do entrees at this point.
l'm very proud of them and l do display them prominently in my home.
This anniversary plate here, l got down in the willow district area.
A little house fire down there. l'm very proud of it.
This next wood one here is a Jungfrau. lt's from the Matter horn region.
lt is an authentic Jungfrau. lt's not a reproduction.
A lot of people look at my collection and think it is but it's not.
l'm very proud of it. l got it down at an antique store downtown.
With the fire damage, it's still very valuable.
The next one is my pride and joy.
It's very valuable to me, but also on the open market.
This one l got down on eighth street. lt was a bungalow fire.
lt was actually quite savage and the fire was a- blowin'.
l was very fortunate to make it out alive.
(filmmaker) What about the family? Didn't they have any interest in getting those plates back?
Oh, no. They burned to a crisp.
But l was able to save the full set so it wasn't a total loss.
lsn't it gorgeous?
You see, when you collect ''entrees'' you don't collect pot pies.
Turns out, that's not cool.
So l'm always fucking with my buddy A here.
Like, ''Hey A, how's the pot pies, buddy!?''
HOWS THE POT PIES!? HA! HA! HA!
l love it! lt's hilarious! He gets super-ticked.
He's such a pussy!
HA! HA! l love it.
ln my collection now, l've got over nine hundred pieces...
So just to hold them all, l've got to run fourteen full-sized freezers in a one bedroom apartment.
This is a classic Frigidaire model - the first freezer l ever owned.
Got it for my twelfth birthday, had it ever since. Never let me down once.
All brass fittings underneath. Great unit.
But these are my boys!
Goose and Mav. Amazing units!
Now this is a vintage... a classic '68 Sears Cold spot Space-Master l7.
Just an amazing unit. Actually, this one has been hot-rodded.
Twice the Freon capacity that it was issued with back in sixty-eight.
Gonna keep everything cold as fuck and that one is heavy as shit, believe me.
But this one here...
Two-thousand two Kelvinator. Cryogenic fuckin' cold.
lt runs at a hundred and twenty-five watts per side at eight ohms.
Tricked-out after market... l can run this bitch at 500 watts all day long.
450 PSl on the compressor.
Air-tight, water-tight, submersible up to three hundred and fifty feet.
lt's my best, flagship, top-of-the-line unit.
This is where l keep all my deluxe, gourmet entrees.
This is where you're going to find my grade-A premium shit!
Shawn's brother's been staying with him for a couple of weeks. He's in town.
l'm really looking forward to meeting him.
He's deaf and l worked at a Christian camp for deafs for like four summers in a row...
...and they're all really nice.
l think Shawn is just a really good person for having a deaf brother.
(deaf accent) l want the Jumbo Wings Nuclear...
...and Nachos supreme.
Okay, we'll get that right out for you.
Excuse me sir, Excuse me. Are you deaf?.
Uh, huh.
Good. My son is a Cub Scout and we're trying to work on earning his Sign Language Badge
He could learn it from a book, but l thought it would be more fulfilling...
...if he could learn it from a real live deaf guy.
lf you wouldn't mind. Anything you can think of easy.
This means Fuck You.
(milf gasps)
(pretty funny shit, eh deaf people?)
This here is my Stadium Pal. Just lock that in place there...
Obviously, it's an external polyurethane bladder.
l attach it to my leg.
l use this to capture and store my urine until l'm ready to deal with it on my own terms.
(filmmaker) ls that for medical reasons?
Oh, no. No, it's one of the many tools l use to actually take control back in my life.
lf l'm driving, l'm driving. lf l'm doing chores, l'm doing chores.
lf l'm working - especially when l'm working. l want to be working.
l don't want to be going potty all the time
l'm there to teach people, as a safety and efficiency consultant, how to be more efficient.
Okay? l'm there to focus. To get in the zone, stay in the zone...
...and focus on the task and job at hand.
And that's how come l only sleep two hours and forty minutes every night.
Well, Heidi and l have been married for about four and a half months now...
...and we are newlyweds.
People sometimes are surprised to learn that we are a couple.
And, yes, there was a period of my life where l did experiment with homosexuality.
lt was from the age of thirteen 'til about... six months ago.
But that's when l met the good folks at Ex-Gay Ministries.
They opened up my eyes to the fact that l am a sinner...
...but l could be saved through a strict regimen of prayer...
...and self-loathing.
Just about half full. l'm gonna splash it with some olive oil.
l'd only been on the wagon for about eighteen days when Rafael introduced me to Heidi.
Rafael is my Ex-Gay sponsor.
She had just put a transmission in his new Mustang. lt's purple.
He thought we'd have a lot in common and we do.
We both like to go to the movies. We both like to go out to dinner...
...and we share a real desire to avoid eternal damnation.
Okay, we've got a shitload of shit to cover tonight folks so let's get started, alright?
Now, as everybody knows, the new Swansons are coming out this Friday.
Yeah! (applause) Finally! l know!
So, they're due to be released l2:0 l Friday morning.
l think l might be able to get my hands on a few of them ahead of schedule...
...and have some in time for Thursday night's meeting.
l've got a hook-up on the inside at Safeway.
l'm going to do my best but that's all l can say about that.
What about the rumors about the Russian Dumplings?
Yeah, l've heard those rumors myself and, to be honest, l think it's fuckin' bullshit.
l don't think we're gonna see those this year.
lt would be great for the collectors but l really doubt it.
Scott, buddy, l know what you're looking for.
The Kiwi Cobbler?
l don't know. Fifty, fifty. That's the best l can tell you. Keep your fingers crossed.
Just think good thoughts. Maybe we'll get them, if not this season, probably next season for sure.
But the big news - last minute change in the packaging.
They were a little concerned about a conflict with the Healthy Choice entrees.
They're going with red this year. (excited chatter)
Red?
They're gonna be real sexy.
Shawn, are you sure red?
Yeah, l'm sure.
My people said they were gonna be blue.
Well, your people are wrong.
NBT is the key to the whole thing.
That's what makes frozen entree collecting so fun and so exciting for me.
TV Dinners have been around since the fifties, whereas entree collecting is a relatively new thing.
So, you need to be very creative when locating new pieces.
This one... l was in the freezer aisle at Safeway one day.
Met another guy there that was a collector. You know, one of these guys - big shit-talker.
Thinks he knows everything. Well, l think we found out how much he knew.
Sold me this piece for nineteen bucks. Just broke it off in his ass.
This fucker, today, is worth over four hundred dollars and l just got it like three years ago.
This is a beauty. The oldest piece in my collection. l959 Stouffer's.
This is like the Mickey Mantle rookie card.
And you might remember the Kiss Solo Meals that they issued.
These things are really hard to find today. And look at this - Gene Simmons.
This is just a beauty. lt's in premium shape. l mean this thing is mint.
Okay, we've got a lot of out of town collectors...
...that are real interested in the convention. We gotta keep tabs on these fuckers.
So, with that in mind, let's hear from Shelly, our l.T. officer.
(weak applause)
Everyone was kind of down because nobody wanted to step up to the plate and make the web site.
So, l got pretty into it
l was like, ''l could learn this.''
So l went and l took a whole three week course at M.C.C. and it was great.
So we have like, stuff about news. We have a photo gallery.
You can buy and sell entrees on the site here - we've got a section for that.
One day, l overheard Shawn talking to one of the other members...
...and he was kind of bragging about it. So, l think people really like it.
lt feels really good. Especially that Shawn likes it, of course.
l used to spend my Saturday nights just kind of... l wasted a lot of time reading.
Now, of course, l'm on the internet a lot. l guess you could say it's expanded my personal life.
'Cause l've met people. You know, people have approached me on-line...
...and you kind of start chatting with them.
l think if Shawn had met someone on-line instead of in a bar, he might be happier.
...He might have found someone who appreciates him more.
He's just really complicated.
Okay, on the topic of the new membership drive - one more thing.
l really don't want to bring it up again, but l have to.
Hazing. The hazing of the new members has got to stop. (laughing & snickering)
Look, l think it's funny too! l do! Most of that shit was my idea, don't forget.
But if we want to be taken seriously as a legitimate organization...
...we've got to cut out these shenanigans and get some black guys.
Can we seriously start talking about the keynote speaker for the convention?
Well, we don't really have a lot of time left and we still gotta get to games and refreshments.
l think we should talk about it a little bit.
Okay! Vince want's to talk about the keynote and Vince always gets what he wants - doesn't he.
So let's get into that. Okay...
What if l can get DuChamp? (excited chatter)
Okay, you can't. Anyway...
What if l can get him?
Listen Vince, don't you think he wasn't my first choice?
They guy's my fuckin' hero. l mean, he's the brass shit.
What l hold in my hand right here is the holy grail of frozen entree collecting...
...and it's known, simply, as the DuChamp Hungry Man.
Back in the late sixties, early seventies.
A package designer was working for Swanson by the name of Teddy DuChamp.
Only here's the thing, he's not really a package designer at all. He's an artist.
The guy fuckin' hangs out with Warhol. They're like friends.
So he goes to unveil his new design for the l972 Hungry Man line - and here's what it is...
A white box with a picture of a fuckin' spark plug on it.
No text, no fuckin' UPC code. Nothing. No bullshit. Just art! Okay?
But these guys they don't fuckin' get it, right? 'Cause they're...You know...
They're not into that shit.
So they send him back to his drawing board and say give us the usual bullshit...
...that you crank out year after year. And he's like, fuck that!
So, here's what he comes back with. How awesome is this?
Okay, ''Salisbury Steak, Mashed Potatoes and Roll of Quarters.'' Right there!
And then he sends us a message over here, ''Help, l hate my job.''
Cost him his job. Made him a fuckin' legend in the industry.
So, l know what you're thinking - if this thing's worth so much, and it is...
...then what the fuck are you doing just keeping it in your regular freezer?
Well, here's the thing.
You break into my house, looking for the DuChamp. Where you gonna look?
You're gonna look in the Kelvinator 2000,you're gonna look in all these kick-ass freezers...
...but you're gonna be thinking, 'what kind of a fuckin' retard would keep it in his regular freezer?''
Next week's meeting, don't forget - not going to be here. We're going to have it over at the No Choice.
Anybody who can stick around afterwards, that would be great because my band is playing.
Yup, me and Al.
lt's kind of a big night for us because we've got a record label scout..
...from Holy-Trinity Records whose gonna be at the show.
(excited chatter) l know! We're really fired up.
So, anybody who can stay...
...just leave after the meeting and come back in and pay the cover charge...
...'cause we get that money.
Aright, good meeting everybody! Nice!
Anybody who want's to challenge my high score on the dance game, Dr. Howard has the sign-up sheet!
(music thumping)
Threatened? Yeah, you have this nice collection...
...you've built in a short amount of time and he takes this really seriously.
That's crazy. My collection isn't shit.
His is way better than mine. He has the DuChamp and it's NBT.
Yeah, l just think it's the fact that he's a dental hygienist and you drive a Porsche.
You know? Your car is super cool.
You wanna go sit in it?
Macaroni & cheese? You can't go wrong with macaroni & cheese, my friend. That goes with every dinner!
What 'cha got there? Lynda McCartney? She's dead. That's worth something. Aright! Here we go!
Hey Scottie, checking out the Ergo-Knob, huh?
Yeah, why's it pointed down?
Oh. Let me explain. lt's very simple.
When you normally grab a doorknob, you don't even think about what you're doing.
But what it's doing is actually causing a lot of undue stress and strain on your ligaments...
...because your fingers aren't pointed at the right angle.
Now, with the Ergo-Knob, watch this - Boom!
Your fingers are in the perfect position and it's not going to put that stress and strain.
No carpel tunnel, no bursitis; you're set.
So,you still living up by Camelback?
No, l'm actually living with my folks now.
Oh, well that's got to be nice. l'm sure they enjoy seeing you...
And you've got to be saving some money....
How long you been there?
Uh, my folks...um. A couple...a couple years now.
Ooohh.
Think about it; doors everywhere...
You don't like strain and stress on your elbows, do you?
No.
l'll tell the guys at work.
At the fire station?
No. l bartend two nights a week at the Man Hole over on Third...
They've got a bunch of doors. Nine, ten, maybe a dozen.
Yeah.
Now, are they out at Saddlebag Gardens?
Yes.
Now, help me out - it that a real town or is that more of a private retirement community?
lt's a retirement community.
Now, does that mean they allow cars?
Uh... No, no. lt's just the golf carts.
Oh.
Al is the newest member of the Scottsdale Klown Kutz family.
He's growing into his role as a stylist and, more importantly, as what we call a Smilist
Al and l have only clashed on one thing since he's been here. lt's been make-up.
lt's important to us. We're a chain. We've got standards.
So, we just got the new Q4 insert for our corporate guidelines for face painting.
There's some really good stuff in here that helps maintain the value of our brand...
as well as the consistency of our approach for the customer.
Here are a couple that you'll see here at our Klown Kutz in Scottsdale. Some of my favorites.
This is the one that l uses almost every day. Looks good on him.
Not one of my favorites. Very low maintenance. Not a lot of heart.
But, it looks good on him.
Okay everybody, noses on. Come on, you know. You play like you practice.
Nose on, Al. Let's go. And thank you, Beth, for having yours on.
A couple of things to talk about this morning from corporate
Real simple, we're not selling enough haircuts.
We've got more Klownz than we've got Kutz. So we have upside here.
So, what's the answer? First, we've got to get our Kutz to Klownz ratio up.
First thing to do is to ask every parent that brings a tyke in here, ''Do you want a haircut?''
lt's very simple. Let's get mom. Scissors, mom, head. She's already here, let's cut her hair.
Remember, there's no shame in getting your haircut by a Klown. And help them understand...
...that the haircut's free, it's the Klown you're paying for. Understand? Great.
Secondly, right here today. We've got a new promotion. Anybody that can juggle for a customer.
The first one, wins a brand new Sony AM, FM, Weather,40 preset Walkman. Can anybody juggle?
l can juggle.
Beth can juggle. Let's see. One, two, three. Here we go.
Hey, there we go, we have a winner everybody.
Beth, enjoy this in good health. Watch out for the radio waves - gives you cancer.
You two guys, l have two more of those in my office.
Go home, practice with your balls, you can each have one.
You know, to tell you the truth, l just started getting into the frozen entree collecting.
Shawn, of course, has been doing it his whole life.
lt wasn't until Shelly, that l got into it.
She's a super gal. She is just totally awesome.
You see, when we made the switch, from punk band to Christian band...
Shelly would come to all of our shows.
She would go up to Shewn and they would be talking about the frozen entrees.
And, man, she just - out of the gate, boom.
All that excitement got me going and l got a collection for myself.
She helped me out along the way.
She told me what entrees l should be keeping, what entrees l should be selling.
Man, she's just such a super gal.
l started working here, at the Clinton Center, l guess it was about a year and a half ago.
- Hey Sarah. - Good morning Shelly. How was your weekend?
Super good. How was yours?
- Great. Thank you. - Oh, okay good.
- Hey Shelly, nice sweater. - Hey Candy, thank you.
l loved it in '82.
Wait a minute... Sorry. l'm sorry.
Now l'm on the hotline, which is pretty nice - really challenging.
Answer calls all day, eat my lunch, answer more calls. lt's pretty busy.
Hello Sarah? Hi this is Shelly. l'm one of the the abstinence counselors here.
l'm sorry you had to wait. Thanks for waiting...
Right it says, uh... Lets see, l've been told that you're virgin... Oh.
They call into our triage center, at first The triage counselor will talk to them.
They figure out what level it is - of acuity. So, if it's someone who's...
Maybe they've taken some clothes off. Maybe they're doing something they shouldn't be doing.
Maybe they're even naked. Maybe they're even... Anyway, those are obviously the highest priority.
They go right away to whoever's available.
Okay, go ahead... l'm sorry?
You're having a 'rusty trombone?'
Oh, you're giving a 'rusty trombone.' Sorry.
Um, could you hold for just a minute please? Thank you.
Does anyone know what a ''Rusty Trombone'' is!?
lt's a hand job and a rim job at the same time lt's all on the sheet.
Thanks.
Oh, gee. Oh, my gosh. Okay.
Hi, you still there? You still with me? Okay, good.
Um, is this in progress right now?
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Okay... Alright.. um...just stay calm.
Right. Do you have some cold water?
People ask me, you know, ''How do you do it? How do you maintain your celibacy?''
And, one of the tips that l've found works for me...
...is just collecting a lot of images of Jesus and putting them in different places kind of strategically.
Places where your celibacy might be compromised. And it's a reminder all the time...
...that you'd better stay on track. Because, Jesus can see you.
And, l mean, he can see you even in the dark.
Aware of possible future litigations brought by the victim and any surviving family members,...
l resisted my human instinct to assist in his recovery.
l spoke in a calm, steady voice as l advised him of the content of several waivers...
...he would be required to sign before treatment could resume.
Okay, cut Charles. That's good. l just need you to be a little more enthusiastic.
A little more vulnerable perhaps. lt's a journey. Take me on that journey.
l want to go along. My bags are packed. l'm ready to go. l'm at the station.
So, just bring me along. Just be a little more childlike. A little more enthusiasm perhaps.
Just work with it. You got it. Amp it up a little bit. And... action.
ln addition to my duties as a firefighter, l actually produce and direct training videos for the squad.
Last year, l'm quite proud of the fact that l... One of my productions won a Golden Hose Award.
lt's very prestigious. lt's an award for excellence in video production.
Whew! What blaze. Thanks fellas. Job well done.
Gosh, just a year ago l was just a regular guy dragging a hose
But since the tragic events of nine eleven, l've become a hero to a confused and frightened nation.
Every man wants to be me. Every woman wants my seed.
That's an awful lot of pressure.
Hi, l'm Scott Baxter, firefighter with the Sunny slope Municipality Fire Department.
And today, we're going to learn, ''HowTo Be A Hero.''
My guys here at Station 7 are truly amazing.
They're fabulous. They do find me a little mysterious...
...and l get some ribbings and raspberries occasionally, but it's all in love and l take it that way.
l don't take it personally. l think deep down, they're a little curious to the fact that l'm a...
...frozen entree collector. lt's a little out there. lt's a little weird. l'll admit it.
But that's just who l am. An artist. l have that kind of soul. lt needs to be expressed.
l'll tell you, it's great having him around the station. That guy makes a real good quiche.
And you know one other thing, that guy gives a hell of a rubdown.
Apparently, when Scott got here, he was 'queer'. Sorry -'homo'.
But l guess he's got that cleared up.
You know, being a firefighter; it's kind of like being part of a brotherhood.
We've all got baggage l don't care if you're an alcoholic, queer,...
...Mexican; we've all got stuff we're trying to work out.
l used to have a hell of a gambling problem.
You know, with my scheduling at work, l can pretty much take every Thursday afternoon off...
...to come out here and practice my fundamentals and really work on my game.
Folks have been playing the Aphabet Game along the highways and byways...
...of this great nation of ours for years. And now we have a sanctioned league.
The league has kept the rules basically the same as l've known them since a boy.
They've made a few minor changes. Just made it more conducive for league play.
The player that wins the coin toss elects to drive or passenge.
The players look for a word that begins with the letter ''A'' on a billboard or sign.
The first player to call out that word, receives a point.
Karen! Could you keep your yunguns away from the gasoline!
We're gonna be rolling out in a minute here.
''Beaver!'' ''Creek!''
Passenger. Phrase combination. Two-banger. Bravo, Charlie.
(cheering and booing)
''Diesel!'' ''Exit!'' ''Farm!''
Driver. Triple combination. Delta, Echo, Foxtrot.
Al non-human road kill is considered wild.
The player simply points to the road kill and declares the letter he or she wishes to choose.
Road kill X!
Driver's point. Road kill rule. X-ray.
The road kill rule was enacted to alleviate a reoccurring situation,...
...in which several games carried on for hundreds of miles and hours and hours...
...searching for an X or a Dairy Queen.
Valley! Yeah!
(cheering and booing) (whistle blows)
Diver's point -Victor.
Match goes to driver. That is the game gentleman.
-That's a good game. Good game
Now l know, l play the Alphabet Game and collect frozen food entrees...
...and it's not the coolest thing to do but l've never been one to stay on the beaten path.
And as a safety and efficiency consultant, l think the most ironic thing is that l play such a danger sport.
Right now the entree club has a few people- oriented challenges. Shawn, in particular.
He definitely needs to workshop those people skills.
You see, it takes teamwork to make the dream work. And that's what we're all about here at Ex-Team.
Based on research conducted at Yale, on the immensely strong bond...
...that exists between combat soldiers, we've created the Ex-Team Viet Cong Prison Camp Experience.
ln order to create a bond like that on the corporate level,...
...we put our participants through a living, breathing hell on earth...
...designed to breakdown the individual spirit, while building up the ultimate, unbeatable corporate team.
(jungle sounds)
Okay, Jerry, l'm going to put you back with the folks in accounting now.
What l need from you is for you to be a team leader today...
...and for you to create a win-win synergy for the team. You think you can do that for us?
-Yes sir. - Perfect. Cut him down.
Hey, l knew it was going to take a brave company.
One with a pioneer spirit to be the first one on board.
After months of doors slamming in our faces, we finally get our first client. And who is it?
Disney. Huge. They sent us over 200 of their imaginers.
The program proved very successful in weeding out their deadwood.
Over half the participants chose to quit their jobs, rather than complete the nine-week program.
You know what? A lot of pussys over there at Disney.
But l'll tell you this much; the one's that did decide to suck it up and finish the program...
...changed their lives forever.
You know, before my prison camp experience, l was working downstairs in the mail room.
Strictly part time basis. Look at me now, l'm upstairs.
l'm in charge of Goofy merchandising for most of the west coast.
My numbers are high, management pleased, it's all good.
And to this day, l still find myself referring to my sales competition as Charlie.
Now days you go to a seminar and they get you all fired up.
But l'll guarantee you this - a week to two weeks later, you've forgotten everything that you've learned.
Now the participants of the VC experience never forget.
They're still having flashbacks years later.
The thing about being a hygienist is that you've got to have a hook. lt's just like being a musician.
You have to have something to bring the people in and make them ask for you by name.
So my hook as hygienist is... l just tell people, ''l don't give a shit if you floss.''
You know? And, l'm telling you, l got people lining up out the door to book me
Are you going to open? Well, because it's a little bit after.
lt's like a little after the time l thought you opened at... Didn't you...
Hey, Veronica. We'll be open in a couple of minutes if you want to go grab your booth.
lt's Shelly. But okay, thanks.
The No Choice Cafe is an anti-abortion themed Christian cafe and it's really an experiment for us.
We're trying to set up these locations next to or adjacent to abortion clinics...
...all across the United States.
And if our third quarter projections are right, we've really hit a home run here.
We're looking at having five stores in the Metro Phoenix area within the next year...
...and then also opening up seven stores in Alabama,...
...which should be really big for us to have that foothold in the south.
When l looked at this place l thought, ''Wow, this is perfect''
lt's across from a natural market and l kept seeing these people.
And l thought, what are they doing out there?
They're protesting, they're yelling things, there's different slogans.
l thought, these people have to be hungry.
As the rents kind of plummeted, l moved in and all of a sudden l was taking advantage of...
...or l was actually catering to the protestors.
Protesting is not easy. lt can be a real bitch. l mean, it's hot out here in Phoenix.
You're standing on your feet all day, you've got to make signs, it can be a real drag on your day.
That's what's great about the No Choice
You can come in, take a load off on the Protest Patio and really keep vigil over the unborn.
BABY KlLLER!!!
...while enjoying a latte or a sandwich or a scone.
The first time l saw Shawn and A's band, l was like their super huge biggest fan.
l saw them at this Christian rock festival.
Shawn told me that they used to be really hard-core...
...and they were called like the Reach Ups or the Reach Outs?
l don't know, but anyway.
lt's hard for me to picture them being like that because now they're really Christian.
- Hey Shelly. - Oh, hey Doug.
- Been reading the word? - Oh, of course.
Praise him, praise him. l just want to let you know l have prayer circle.
But then l'll be right back and l'll take your order for you, okay?
Come on, people! Let's move alright? A little hustle here.
We're opening in five minutes. Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Milo's the one who brought them into that and put them on a spiritual path to Jesus.
He's just filled with the light of the lord.
Look, people! Please! Pipe down. We've got a lot of work to do today, alright?
Let's get this thing over with.
Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hear our humble prayer.
Oh Lord, feel free to bequeath upon us an ample lunch crowd and fruitful walk-by traffic.
l've been a promoter on the local and regional Christian rock scene for the last ten years now.
And Shawn and his band are definitely my main gig right now.
(lyrics) Hey you are the Lord, l hear you knock upon my door.
Hey you are the Lord, you heal the sick and wash the poor.
Hey you are the Lord, l hear you knock upon my door.
Hey you are the Lord, You heal the sick and you wash the poor.
Wash the poor, the dirty, dirty poor!
l promote them, l manage them...
...and l baby-sit them, when they need it. Which is often.
Don't get me wrong guys. l like it. l like that little backbeat. lt's cute.
But, l mean, the lyrical formula is quite simple.
Right? lt's - man has problem, man finds Jesus, Jesus fixes problem - repeat.
Twelve, don't look at me like that.
lf you think that Bob from Trinity Records is gonna come down here and not expect your A-game,...
...you're sadly mistaken. This is the Christian music business but it's still the music business.
lf you guys don't perform, he will fuck your ass.
Fuck!
Shit! God damn it!
l don't know. l miss the old band. That's when it was me and Shewn all the way.
- l mean, that was our band. - Fuck! Come here little ball.
Now it's all Shewn and Milo and this whole Christian thing. And l don't agree with any of it.
You know? lt's like...
Fuck me!
But l don't necessarily have a plan of my own so l guess l'll go with what they're saying.
God damn it! Fuck this! Shit!
My outfit puts on the Christapaloosa show every year over at the Gardens.
Last year l received a call from Shewn and he was pulling no punches.
He said that he and his band were more secular in nature...
but that they were looking to break into the Christian rock scene.
We talked a little bit about the buzz and the excitement...
...and the merchandising surrounding the event.
And Shawn thought this was really the impetus that it would take for him to make that leap of faith...
...and come onto the side of the Lord in His glory.
Caitlin?
Hey sweetie. How you doing? ls that operculum still obscuring your number three molar?
l don't know.
Well, let's dig in and find out.
(drill whistle)
Okay, good.
l knew that Milo...
l knew that l couldn't send Milo a tape of the band as it was if we wanted him to work with us...
because the lyrics were pretty dirty and everything.
So, we just set to rewriting the lyrics right there in the studio.
Me and Al sat down and worked on the lyrics.
We just stayed up late nights. Not only did we rewrite the lyrics...
...we re-recorded all the vocals so that we had an A version and a B version
...of each one of our songs.
(singing) Fuck! l love to fuck! l fuckin' love to fuck!
l love to fuck fat girls! l love to fuck skinny girls! l love to fuck pretty girls!
l love to fuck any girl who wants to get fucked!
Hey, that was pretty good. Let's roll it back from the top though...
...and this time let's do the new Christian lyric version. Stand by.
Hey! l've got to pray! Pray every single day!
Wow. What a disc. They brought it in. l listened to it.
lt was that rough, rew, hard sound that l was looking for. l knew that it was going to sell.
Milo was pretty happy with it. Of course there was still the issue of the name.
Man, we argued... We went round and round about that.
l think we probably went through a hundred names before we finally arrived on one.
But from there it's ah...
lt's all gone really, really well. And now we have this huge showcase coming up and...
Shawn, you're brother's on line two with the TTY operator.
l'm with a patient. Just tell him l'll call him back would you?
Well, l guess it's an emergency.
Aright. Just put him through.
Yes hello. l have a TTY call from Chris Anderson. Go ahead.
Chris, l'm with a patient right now. What's the big emergency? Go ahead.
What's TTY?
You see, my brother's deaf. So, he can't make a regular phone call...
...so what he has to do is...
We're out of beer. Get some on your way home. Go ahead.
Chris, that is not an emergency. These calls are getting me in trouble with Dr. Shapiro.
So look, l will call you back when l get a break, okay?
And don't use my shampoo. Go ahead.
Yes it is an emergency, fuck-stick.
l've been out of beer since eleven o'clock this morning.
lf your boss is such a prick, you should tell him to go fuck himself. Go ahead.
Haaaaaahhhhh!
Well, l told Al l'd get him a job in the mail room at Merrill.
l know he'd make a lot more money there than he does working at Klown Kutz as a 'smilist'
Hey Al. How's it going? ls that a new suit? ls that silk?
Hey Al! Aren't you going to spend some quality time with your big brother?
No. l don't think so.
lt's go time for Al. He's thirty two years old.
He needs to get himself a defined, proactive career path.
He needs to move out of my folks house. And he needs to get himself a girlfriend.
He's in a band for God's sake and every musician l've ever known has been hip-deep in pussy all the time.
But Chucky, it's a Christian band that he's...
Mum. Let me tell you something about these Christian girls.
When you're banging 'em, they feel all guilty and dirty about it. lt's awesome.
Now, l know he's got this thing for Shelly but l've told him over and over...
...they don't want a friend. They want a man.
She's not my girlfriend, but this one's for Shelly.
Al and l are really good friends. We do a lot of stuff together. We have so much in common.
A lot of our friends are like, ''When are you guys going to get together? You're like a perfect couple.''
l don't know. l would never do that.
Because l would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.
lt's just so perfect the way it is.
l don't know. Shewn is just so amazing.
l just feel like there's nothing he can't do.
Shh yeah...Well, l can think of a few.
''You Are The Lord.'' l think that's going to be on the radio.
-Yes, l agree. -And l just can't believe he wrote that it's just beautiful.
Actually, l wrote that one
Oh, you did?
Yeah, l wrote that one. l wrote ''Righteous Jew,'' l wrote ''Salute Jesus.'' That was all me.
Well, isn't it great that you have someone like Shawn to really bring those lyrics to life?
Because lyrics on a page by themselves can seem really boring if you don't have a really good singer.
Well, listen. l mean, not to take away from Shewn. Shawn is a great...
Do you think... Just honestly...
Do you think we'd make a good couple? Like if he just...
Shelly, we don't have to go over this every time do we?
-We don't go over it every time. -You know the kind of girls that Shawn likes.
Shawn has a particular taste and...
-Al. - Shelly, you're a sweet gal.
Okay, Shawn is...
A, what are you doing? You don't have to fold my clothes.
Don't worry about it. Now, Shelly, you've got to listen to me.
l've been friends with a lot of Shewn's ex's, you know. l've consoled a lot of broken hearts.
Ever since the eighth grade. So, listen Shelly,you're just a sweet gal. Don't...
Don't listen to me.
He's not calling you is he!? Shelly?
(filmmaker) So, are you stealing them?
No, no. See, l'll just give him the cash and then he'll hang onto it until midnight.
They're just Nazis about their release dates.
lf the new dinners aren't supposed to be out until Friday...
...you can not buy them until l2:0 l AM on Friday.
They're finally here. This is it. lt's like Christmas morning, you know? Well, here we go.
Holy shit. They're blue.
(club members cheer)
That's great! Amazing! Now, that website is awesome.
Hey! l just got to get with Milo on a couple of things and l'll be right there but l got 'em.
Keep an eye on those things.
Wait. ls that Chris? ls that Shawn's brother?
Yeah. That's him.
Okay. Let's see if l can remember this.
l...Learned...Sign.. Language.
- Milo! - Hey, how are you?
- Good, man. How you doing? -You guys ready to rock?
- Fuckin' A. -Aright man.
Hey listen, l've got my entree club meeting for about an hour...
...and then l'll hook up with you on all the gig stuff for tonight.
By the way, this is my brother Chris.
Chris! Shake the fucking hand.
How's it hanging!?
- Retarded? - No, no. He's deaf.
Dude, l'm sorry. l didn't mean to offend you or...
Do not even think twice about it. He can't hear shit.
Oh, good.
Hey! Huh!? Did l tell you or did l tell you!?
Aright, who wants to see them first?
(excited chatter)
Alright, here we go. First of all, Swanson Angus Beef.
Oh they're blue. l didn't know they were going to be blue.
Yeah, they're blue. They look fantastic.
Okay, Classic Fried Chicken.
And that's a Hungry Man!
You know they cut out the Salisbury Steak Hungry Man last season, so...
When you pass this around, l'd appreciate it if you'd just hold it by the corners...
...because this one's a keeper.
Um, Shewn? l don't know if you know but Vince...Well he made a new web site.
Shawn, all l did was have my guys down at the office just work on it a little bit.
They just tweaked a few things on it.
l just don't really get why we're...
Are we working on the web site now? That's where our focus is?
Yeah, l know. That's what l was saying.
l don't know why we're dealing with the web page now. We've got the convention...
Shawn, just look at it. That's all l'm asking.
l'm just saying l don't really see why we're wasting our time..
Oh, that is so fuckin' cool!
Dude! Oh my God! That is amazing!
You know, this is the kind of thing that we needed all along.
No, l'm looking for Bob. Well, the show's about to start here in about fifteen minutes...
Well, l talked to him yesterday and he gave me every indication that he was going to be here today...
No, we just haven't heard anything...
But, could you at least page him for me? Yeah. Okay. That would be great. Thanks.
That motherfucker. Do you think he's really going to blow us off?
lf he does, l'm taking it out on your ass today.
Hey! We are The Christers!
(cheering)
(singing) Hey! l got pray! Pray every single day!
l pray for the fat girls that they become skinny girls.
l pray for the pretty girls that they become my girls and l say- l got pray!
l got to pray! Pray every single day!
l pray for the poor girls that they become rich girls. l once prayed a homeless girl would get a new house.
Hey! l got to pray! Pray every single day!
Time keeps ticking and these prayers that l'm kicking are all takin'...
... everybody in this room a little closer to salvation.
Convertin' mother fuckers all across this holy nation.
Yeah! Hey! l got pray! Pray every single day!
l pray for a new car. l pray to the Superstar.
l pray at the salad bar that they'll have chives.
Hey! l got pray! Pray every single day!
Hey! l got pray! Pray every single day! Hey! l got pray!
Pray every single day! Hey! l got to pray! l got to pray!
l got to, got to pray! l got to pray!
(cheering and applause)
Thank you! This next song is about...Jesus.
(singing) Jesus Christ. You brought your light unto to me.
And your glory dropped me to my knees. Now l can see.
Jesus Christ. Standing at my window.
You righteous Jew - fill the room. l praise you.
You say that you're gay. But you weren't born that way.
You could swing the other way if you just took the time to pray.
You know, you should be married when you pop her cherry.
lf you love her you will wait Bang her now, you'll seal your fate.
All that you can do is believe. Jesus Christ
Hey!
(cheers and applause)
Let me tell you a little something about my man, Jesus Christ!
He's still the man of love. He's still the shepherd...
...but he is through fuckin' around with you people.
He's through with your bullshit.
He has had it up to here with your abortions...
...and your homosexuality.
He loves you. He will forgive you but if you fuck with him, you are going straight to Hell!
Got it!? Yeah! So let's get righteous!
(singing) All that you can do is believe.
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
Ah, ha, ah, ha Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
Ah, ha, ah, ha Jesus Christ
(crowd chants) Christers! Christers! Christers!...
Thank you!
Hey, great gig. Good job.
Good job. That went awesome. Hey, listen though. ''Crown of Thorns.''
After the second verse, you're still not hitting that fill. Okay?
- l didn't... - Hey, just don't respond. Just work on it okay?
Good job, man.
Al. We pulled it off. l think we did.
l'll tell you something else. l think we've got a big, fat fucking Christian record deal in our future.
That guy was loving our shit tonight.
Did you see Vince? Making a big production of how he's got to leave early.
How he can't stay and see the show. Whatever.
l will say this for the guy though. That web site that he cooked up for us; that thing rocked.
What is with you? lt was our big deal.
We had an awesome show. What!? What's your problem?
Dude, it's not the show. We had a great show, okay?
Didn't you see her face?
Who's face?
Shelly's face. About the web site?
The web site thing? Seriously?
-Yeah! - Oh my God. She'll get over it, A.
Relax. God damn. Hey, you didn't even look at his site.
- l didn't have to. - lt's not even close.
l mean, it was so much cooler.
That's just out of line. Shame on those people.
They didn't even give a chance for Shelly's web site. l mean... man!
Ooooh! Oooohhh!
What?
You want to fuck her.
Oh, man. Stop.
-You do! - No, l don't.
Oh my God! This is just like Lauren Cavanaugh in the eleventh grade.
Oh my God! You totally want to fuck her! That's hilarious.
A, she's nasty. But, whatever. lf that's what you're into, that's cool.
Me and Shelly are good friends, okay? l care a lot about her.
l'm just...She got her feelings hurt tonight.
A, just say it. Just say it. Just say, ''l wanna fuck her.''
-Just stop, man. - l wanna give her my slippery chicken!
l wanna get in behind and do the Rear Admiral! Yeah! Wooo! Yeah! Say it!
- Dude, just listen, okay? - Listen, okay?
-Just stop. (Shawn repeats) -Just stop.
Just listen to me for once. (Shawn repeats Al.)
All l'm saying. (Shawn repeats Al.)
Al l'm trying to say is... (Shawn repeats Al.)
you were a little inconsiderate... (Shawn repeats Al.)
...and you could have been a little nicer. (Shawn repeats Al.)
Dude, are we in the tenth grade? (Shawn repeats Al.)
Fuckin' Shawn! God damn it!
A! Al, come on! Seriously!
(filmmaker) Think you were a little hard on him?
Think you were a little hard on him?
- Dude. - Dude.
- Don't even start that shit - Don't even start that shit.
- l'll turn this fucking camera around. l'll turn this fucking camera around.
Hey, baby.
Hello? Shawn?
l'm in the bathroom.
What the fuck are you doing?
l'm pissing in my shampoo. What does it look like?
What the fuck Shawn!?
lt's for Chris! He's driving me fucking nuts!
He's eating all my food. He's making a fucking mess.
He runs the air conditioner all day long and leaves the door open.
And now he's calling those 900 number sex lines...
...and he's fucking deaf!
And now he's using my shampoo and this shit is expensive.
The next time he does, he's in for a fucking surprise.
What, are you in high school now!?
Anyway... Look, we need to talk.
(pee sounds)
So talk then.
- Oh, my God! -What!?
l just saw the gobbler. You know l don't like that.
-Jesus Christ. Anyway! -Anyway!
l got pulled over on my way home from work last night.
Okay, and?
And, the officer that pulled me over was searching my car for drugs and alcohol and stuff...
...and we got to talking and it turns out his name is Dwayne.
His name is Dwayne?
Well, yeah.
And did Dwayne give you a ticket?
No, but we did start talking.
lt turns out he went to sunny slope high and played football with my brother and stuff.
He's just really good looking and works out and has a great job.
He really has his life together. He just seems like so much more of an adult than you.
l have a job. l work part time.
Yeah, whatever. l'm just sick of all this craziness.
l'm sick of the freezers and the stupid Christian rock. l'm just... l'm done with it.
l don't want you to call me l don't want to be friends. l'm just leaving!
Well, did he give you a warning at least?
You want a wiener?
l had to get rid of the frozen entrees. l just couldn't justify the expense.
Eight thousand dollars for a refrigerated showcase.
l just couldn't justify it. l couldn't sell enough frozen entrees.
Look, l just think this is a really bad idea. That's what l'm saying.
Shawn, what is your concern?
My concern is that we're all equal members of this club, Vince...
...and we should all contribute an equal amount of cash to the convention.
Okay, let's say we go by that. Then we have to go by the poorest member of the club.
Which, in this club, would be...you.
So, we have a fund raiser. What's the big fucking deal?
Yeah, we could have a car wash.
A car wash!?
Do you know how many fucking cars you gotta wash to come up with that kind of money?
Vince. lt's a good idea. Okay? Just relax
Okay, everyone needs to settle down. This is a club for fun.
Let's support each other. lt's a good family, here.
Look, all l'm saying is that l have the money. l can afford it and l want to help the club.
Look Vince, we've been over this and over this and it's not going to fucking go down that way.
So just end of fucking story, okay!?
What!? End of story!? Come on man! No!
You don't speak for the whole group during a meeting! l want to hear what he has to says.
Don't you see what he's trying to do? He's trying to buy the fucking club out from under us.
Jesus Christ Shawn! l'm not trying to buy the fucking club!
Oh, bullshit!
Al l'm saying is we have one chance to get this thing done right!
l have the money to put up to make sure it gets done right!
lf it doesn't, it could be the beginning of the end of frozen entree collecting!
Shawn, l've got a lot of money invested in my collection...
...and l want to take this thing to the next level!
lt's all about the fucking money with this guy.
Just watch! You let him put up the money for the fucking convention...
...and then it's going to be Vince's fucking Frozen Entree Club!
He's gonna be giving us orders and we're all gonna be jumping through his fucking hoops!
He's gonna be running the fucking show!
Well, you know what? Fuck you!
You've been nothing but a pain in my ass since you showed up with your poser, pussy fucking collection!
Well, l'm fucking out of here, man! Fuck you! And fuck you too!
And fuck the rest of you fucking dicks!
And your door is a piece of fucking shit, man!
(trickling sound)
Um... One of you guys... l'm going to need a ride home.
lt's all about the people...
l've been saying all along - lt's all about just getting the people together.
Casino! Diesel!
You see, the frozen entrees are our common ground. They're our common interest...
...but they mean nothing to us unless they unify. Unless they bring us together.
Oooh , Enter! Fireworks! Fireworks? Ahhh.
See, once you give that frozen entree the power to divide...
...you're in big, big trouble my friend. Huge.
l'm actually worried about Shawn.
He has some prior drug use and l don't want him to relapse.
l think he's hurting inside. Right here. l just don't want him to relapse.
(filmmaker) Are the members taking sides?
Yeah. Some of us have. We're quite fractioned actually.
l'm doing what l can. l'm making some calls.
l'm trying to keep the group together but it's just really not easy.
A, l don't even know why you tell me this shit. You know exactly what l'm going to say.
l know. l know, but...
- Listen, if this girl means that much to you... - She does. She means a lot.
You gotta go get her. You gotta tell her right now.
You have a chance. l've seen this girl. She's in your league.
She's nothing to write home about.
l've got it under control Chuck. l appreciate it but, you know...
Listen! You don't have it under control. Here, this is easy to figure out...
Shawn got dumped. She's got a crush on Shawn.
ls she still going to be your little princess after he's banged the shit out of her?
Chuck, don't say that. Shelly's not that way.
She works at an abstinence center. She's really religious. She's just not that way.
Al, they're all that way. Dad, would you tell him, please?
They're all whores Al.
Fuckin' A, Al.
Put down the fucking Ding Dong, get off your ass and go tell this girl how you feel about her.
For once in your life, be a man.
Dad, can l borrow the car?
(triumphant music)
(Since there's no dialogue here, this is a good time to check in with our deaf friends...)
(Do you fuckers love this movie or what!? ls Chris Anderson your new icon?)
(After thousands of salt-of-the-earth deaf movie characters, finally a deaf asshole...)
(You guys have earned it! We love you! Now get back to the movie.)
Geeze, it is raining like heck out there.
Did you walk all the way from the bus stop?
Um, no. No, l didn't. You look great.
Thank you.
You're like all smiley.
l'm smiley.
So, l want to tell you something that uh...
l wanted to talk to you about.
l wanted to tell you something too.
l'm glad you showed up.
That's Shawn's necklace.
Why are you wearing Shewn's necklace?
We did it.
You did it? Did what?
- lt! - lt? What happened?
The big it!
You? With Shewn!?
No, don't look like that, because it was great. lt was really natural. lt was fine.
He was really upset He needed a ride so l gave him a ride home.
- lt happened so fast. -This happened the other night?
Yeah. And l was so nervous but he was so sweet and he just kept talking to me.
He wasn't just being friendly, it was more. And l didn't know like...
l knew his skin looked good but it's really soft.
- lt's smooth. Like the back... - Shelly!
No! You've been talking about marriage.
''l'm not going to do this until l get married.''
l know. l know we're not married yet.
You work at an intercourse prevention hot-line service, okay?
How contradictory is that?
Oh...Yeah... l thought about that this morning.
And the thing is, l think the Lord... l know the Lord would forgive it because it's love.
- lf it's love it's okay. - lt's not love, Shelly! lt's not love!
l mean, you guys aren't seeing each other.
Don't think anything is going to come of this because nothing isn't going to come of this.
- How do you know, A? - l know. l know Shawn. l'm sorry Shelly.
You don't know him the way l do. l spent a whole night with him.
Al, you don't know.
Yes l do. You were laid. You got screwed the other night. Okay?
lt wasn't love. You're not going to get married!
You don't know what you're talking about.
My fucking brother was right! l can't believe this!
l don't even want to know what that means. l'm leaving. Goodbye.
Shelly. Sit back down. Shelly.
Listen up everybody! This is my beautiful girl, Toni!
Help me out here guys. Baby, l love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?
Yes! Yes! She said yes!
(crowd applauds)
(music: ''Hang'' by The Mojo Monkeys)
Hey Baby, want a piece of this?
Hey baby, what's up!? Ten bucks! Date with you tonight! You and me!
What the fuck are you looking at? Beat it.
(Here's another secret message for our deaf pals...)
(l wish you could hear this song. lt's really great!)
(The vibrations of this song probably don't feel that much different than a lot of really shitty songs...)
(But, if you could hear this song, you'd be all like, 'Holy shit dude, this song kicks ass!'')
(Anyway, it's a really good song. lt's kind of sad. lt makes me feel bad for Al...)
(He seems like such a nice guy. Oh, well... We'd better get back to the movie now, eh?)
Here's the story.
For the past couple of days we've been telling you about this frozen food entree fiasco.
Now, l saw, two weeks ago, in the ''About Town'' rag -
l was looking to find out when Bang Tango would be coming to town...
...because l haven't been bored in a while.
Whoa! You are a wild man!
You can't stop me!
l saw that there was an ad for a frozen food convention.
Then, the following week, l see that there's two ads.
There's a big ad and then there's a little ad.
So, what l'm figuring out is - these two guys, Shawn and Vince, they've split up.
They've gone their separate ways.
One guy's having a big convention, the other guy's having a small convention.
l don't think anyone's going. Who's going to go? No one's going to go.
That's too many conventions of frozen food for one town.
We're going to have those guys in here and we're going to solve that problem.
Because l don't like it. That's too many conventions of frozen food...
The thrilling frozen food war. l can hardly wait.
We'll be right back after this.
l don't know what's gotten into Al. l don't think he's really happy about what happened.
Even though l'm really happy, of course.
l don't know - maybe it's because we always talked about who was going to lose their virginity first.
l don't think he thought it was going to be me. l didn't think it was going to be me.
But l didn't know l was going to fall in love either so...You just never know.
Anyway, l hope he comes around. Now that l have a boyfriend, things are a lot different.
There's not going to be as much time for... (beep!)
Yes? Yes, hello. My name is Shelly...
Oh, really? You are?
Ooohhh... are there candles?
106.9 Stan and Dan in the morning!
Well everybody, they're finally here. That's right.
The frozen food enthusiasts are both here.
These guys have a feud going on. They've got two conventions going on in town this weekend.
-This is big! - Big news!
We're going to help figure this out for these guys...
...because there can't be two conventions fellas, l'm sorry.
Before we go any further...
That's crazy!
Shawn - why are you wearing the Kock-head?
- l thought l was supposed to. -That's for fist time guests only.
You look like a jackass.
What would it take to get you guys back together? l need to see a healing take place.
What if l said that 106.9 The Rooster... (rooster sound)
...was going to sponsor you and give you the convention hall this weekend?
Then, what if l also said that the good folks at Frigidaire...
...were willing to bring down some freezers to help you with your frozen treats.
The good folks at Frigidaire - you know what their slogan is, ''don't let the kids play in there!''
That's a good rule of thumb - eh Dan?
You know it! Big thumbs up from Dan!
Aso, the folks at Dickman Meatpie - the meatpie to have when you're having more than one.
(singing) Make mine a Dickmans.
All of us get together and let you guys have one convention at the convention center.
How's that sound? Would you do it?
-Yeah, that'd be great. -Wouldn't that be great!?
Yeah, l'd do that.
Let there be a healing everybody! 106.9 KOCK, The Rooster!
Okay, l've got the plans for the convention. This is what we've got here.
Okay, the lobby - this is where the buses are going to drop everyone off.
We've got a pathway going through this section here that leads to the Vegetable Medley Pavilion.
Right along either side, we've got some really sweet display coolers coming in from Canada.
Great place to display some of my stuff.
(different group members:) Shelly! Wow! Hey, Nice!
Thank you. Hi Shawn.
Oh... Hey, how are you doing. Anyway, um...
As far as the elevator access, l think we're good there. We've got plenty of room into the..
Hey! Hey! How you doing there, sport?
Hey, you've got my necklace! You found it! Awesome! l was totally looking for that.
- Do you want it now? -Well, l think l need it.
Okay, on the topic of terrorism, which l think we have to address.
Let's face it, there's some people back in the holy land...
that would like to see this convention not happen. Okay?
l think we'd be crazy if we didn't address that.
l think we could talk to the local police department, the local fire department.
Maybe they could roll some extra squads.
Just send them our way periodically throughout the convention...
Everybody involved - be on a level orange all the time.
Here's an issue we're going to have to deal with at some point...
As near as l can tell this is not actually wheelchair accessible.
l don't know if that's a big deal.
l don't know if we're going to have a lot of cripples at this thing.
Yeah, it's fine - fuck 'em.
Hey, listen Shelly...
Look A, okay. You were right.
l don't want to hear about it. l really just want to be left alone
Listen. This isn't about l told you so...
...even though l did. lt's not about that.
Listen, the other night l said some things that l regret.
But l said it in haste okay.
You mean so much to me...
What's up guys?
Hey Chris.
Want a smoke?
Yeah.
Smoke?
What's her fucking problem?
Dude!
Chris! Do you...
What the hell is wrong with you!?
Fuck you Al.
(radio announcer:) Why did Stan and Dan cross the road?
To get to the KOCK!
(Stan:) Today's the big day if you like freaks!...
...Get on down to the frozen entree enthusiasts convention...
...One o'clock, downtown convention center...
...Brought to you by your friends at KOCK, Frigidaire and Dickman Meatpie.
Whoa, whoa! Okay, you need this? lt's empty? l'm going to take this okay?
Listen, that goes with the projection system over at the Smoked Meats of the World Pavilion.
So, just take it over to bay l7. There's a security guy over there. Get a purple pass from him.
Alright? You don't have a purple pass, you're not going to get that shit anywhere.
Okay, get lost - we've got a lot to do today.
l got you that box you wanted for that shit you brought.
l got you the box. lt's a sweet box.
Dude, what the fuck's your problem?
lt's going awesome. The radio ads, the people are coming, what!?
Dude, this is all a joke.
Oh, man, you are just never fucking happy.
Dude, the only reason why people are coming out to this freak show is to laugh at us.
Okay, A: Bullshit. B: Even if that were true, the fuck do you care?
As long as they show up, buy fucking a t-shirt, pay at the door.
Who cares why they're coming.
Dude, l'm tired of being laughed at. Okay? l'm tired of it.
You're tired of being laughed at? You're a clown A. l mean, come on. Really.
Not anymore.
A, why do you care so much about what people think of you all the time?
You've got to get over that shit. Seriously, it's not healthy.
Shawn, if l gave a shit about any of this, l wouldn't care what people think.
l'd suck it up because l believed in it.
Oh, so you don't care?
No, l don't care about this.
Well, is there anything you do fucking care about, Al?
Yeah, l cared about the band. Remember the band?
The old band? Not the Christers crap.
Jesus! What the hell were you thinking about!? Christian punk!?
That was a good idea. And it's working.
No it wasn't. We didn't have to do that!
We were on the right track. You just get so impatient.
lf it's not going good for you, you just up and run.
Dude! We're not even that religious!
Fuck you, A. You may not have any spiritual fucking compass,...
but l've got faith up the ass if you'll check it.
- Bullshit! -You can check it!
You are so full of shit! You'll say anything if it gets you what you want!
Yeah, so you never get what you want. So who's better off?.
You never get what you want.
Okay, you may be right on that, dude, but you know what?
l can't sell out. l can't wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror.
(repeating) l can't wake up and look at myself in the mirror.
-You know where l'm going with this. -You know where l'm going with this.
Shut up! Just shut up! (Shawn repeats)
Man, do you know how old you are!? (Shawn repeats)
God damn it! l'm so fucking fed up with this shit, Shawn!
Fuck you! Fuck your TV dinners!
And you know what - Fuck Jesus!
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Fuck me!? -
The convention was a great success.
As a matter of fact, the Vegetable Medley Pavilion alone took in more than 40K in ticket sales.
(filmmaker) So then who got all the money?
That's actually kind of funny. Right before the convention, Shawn comes up to me,...
''Yeah, l need money for rent and child support.''
So, l bought his share of the convention. Four hundred and thirty six bucks.
(filmmaker) So, how much did you make then?
l realized a net profit of over a quarter of a mil.
Are we going - like ever!?
Keep your thong on.
l don't really collect the entrees anymore.
Since our convention, my life has flipped upside down.
My wife actually left me. Said she had enough.
But it all worked out for the best really because...
...the most wonderful, intelligent, special, kind human being is now in my life.
Thank you.
l had a little party to help celebrate my receiving of my One Year Chip...
...from Ex-Gay Ministries. Straight for a year.
l was at that party and Scott and l were talking.
Both drinking. We were feeling a little tipsy...
Yes we were. l fell off the wagon.
l guess you pushed me off the wagon.
And l guess you could say l'm guilty as charged.
lt's wonderful. But who was l kidding?
Not me.
l'm kind of ashamed of myself.
After all these years of being overlooked and feeling basically invisible...
To think that l was doing that to somebody else really makes me feel bad.
lt's pretty incredible to find out that the person who's right in front of you this whole time...
...is the perfect person for you.
l guess that's the good news. We're just so happy.
l hear Shawn's doing good. l hear the band is doing good. But,...
...that's neither here nor there. l'm happy where l'm at.
l've just gotten myself in a band with this great group of young folks.
Yeah, the sound of this band is just more aggressive, more in-your-face.
You know, it's just a far cry from the Christian stuff that l was doing before.
Even in some spots it's a little Satanic, which is really neat.
(creepy goth music)
They said l could sit in until they found somebody else. But, l've been doing a killer job for them.
l think they're really pleased with my performance.
l am! Knock on wood. l hope, you know... l hope l get it. l'm sure l will.
(heavy, shitty music)
Beverly is just a great gal.
l think the world of her. We just are hitting it off so well.
We have this great friendship.
l mean, she's kind of reserved and she's a little quiet and soft-spoken l guess.
We call each other all the time Well, l call her.
But...
...she's going out with our drummer, right? And...
Queef is a good guy.
But, man, he just does not know how to treat a lady and that really upsets me...
...and l want to let her know that, ''Hey, you could be doing so much better.''
But, you know how it is.
All the assholes... lt's the biggest assholes who always get the really great girls.
What are you gonna do?
(groupies screaming)
Aright everybody, calm down!
We're going to have a little bible study on the bus before the show, okay?
l've got some backstage passes here! l want to invite you to come on up!
There you go. Looking good. And you too. You and your friend. Oh, yeah! Not you!
We are now with Deuteronomy Records.
We've got a four record deal- possibly even a movie. Things have been going so well.
l mean we are living the Christian rock and roll lifestyle here, man.
Absolutely. We're on our first world tour.
We just did Europe for like two months and now we're doing what?
Fifty four cities in the US. Where are we now? Does anybody know where we are now?
Does it matter?
l think we're in Texas somewhere but l don't give a fuck.
But, when this tour started, we were opening up for Holy Ghost Revival.
Our song just started burning up the contemporary Christian charts
and now those mother fuckers are sucking our dicks and we're the ones doing the headlining!
-That's right baby!
lt's the rock and roll life. We're seeing the world, we're just making insane bank,...
...we're boning all these hot Christian chicks,...
...we're getting fucked up on the bus, l got a tat...
lt's the life! Al my dreams have come true!
- God loves us!
God's going to let us live forever.
Ha! Ha! Word!
Christian rock baby.
Aaaahhh! You bad fuck fuck!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That's okay! That's okay!
Sorry! Sorry!
No, no, no - we've had nothing but problems with this fucking maggot from day one.
We're gonna need an attorney out here stat!
This is Ringo. Say hi Ringo. Look at the camera. lt's your big day.
He doesn't judge and actually l appreciate that.
He is a fighter. A good listener.
But he is a Sagittarius so what do you expect?
When l'm in a situation where my chastity is threatened...
Well, l haven't actually been in a situation like that with a real person.
but in my fantas... ln my head,...
l've been over this over and over again.
And chastity wins out and purity almost every time.
We're not getting any younger. Okay?
We're all in our mid thirties.
That's doesn't matter!
A! lt does matter to the labels.
As we get older, it's getting harder and harder to get a fucking record deal.
Meanwhile, in the Christian rock world, Amy Grant is still considered really fuckable.
(hey deaf people! We made it to the end! That was a shitload of reading, eh?)
(go to the website at:www.neverbeenthawed.com and email us the super secret deafs-only password...)
(The password is:''l can't hear shit!'')
(Seriously, thanks for watching our movie! You're the best and we love you! Later!)